Tit-Bits

I’ve never been ‘like a fine wine.’

FEMALE EXECUTIONER: any last words

GUY: actually...

FEMALE EXECUTIONER: *flipping switch* perfect

My whole family is eating pizza and I’m having salad. This is why I’m dead inside.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

If you want to know what it’s like to be worshipped as a God simply eat a bacon sandwich in front of dogs.

I’ve got an immunity joke.
You won’t get it

Just visited the Slimming World website, and it asked me if I wanted to accept cookies.

Bastards.

Emotional support boobs available to rent. Reasonable rates. Excellent reviews. Enquire below.

Kiss me on my neck, might go from shy to slutty real quick

Huge if true