Funny Stuff

My whole family is eating pizza and I’m having salad. This is why I’m dead inside.
If you want to know what it’s like to be worshipped as a God simply eat a bacon sandwich in front of dogs.
Kiss me on my neck, might go from shy to slutty real quick
I’ve never been ‘like a fine wine.’
Just visited the Slimming World website, and it asked me if I wanted to accept cookies.

Bastards.
FEMALE EXECUTIONER: any last words

GUY: actually...

FEMALE EXECUTIONER: *flipping switch* perfect
Emotional support boobs available to rent. Reasonable rates. Excellent reviews. Enquire below.
Huge if true
I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"
I’ve got an immunity joke.
You won’t get it

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