Tit-Bits

Just visited the Slimming World website, and it asked me if I wanted to accept cookies.

Bastards.

If you want to know what it’s like to be worshipped as a God simply eat a bacon sandwich in front of dogs.

Emotional support boobs available to rent. Reasonable rates. Excellent reviews. Enquire below.

I’ve never been ‘like a fine wine.’

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

Kiss me on my neck, might go from shy to slutty real quick

Huge if true

I’ve got an immunity joke.
You won’t get it

My whole family is eating pizza and I’m having salad. This is why I’m dead inside.

FEMALE EXECUTIONER: any last words

GUY: actually...

FEMALE EXECUTIONER: *flipping switch* perfect